Heartwood

How a tree is helping me fear less

There’s a very tall beech tree behind my house; this one has the capacity to slice through my home like a knife through butter. The storms last year took out a lot of trees - it was carnage, one narrowly avoiding the house by leaning on a BT mast instead - don’t ask why I live next to a BT microwave mast - the perils of this can be discussed another time.

I’m concerned that less surrounding trees and the shallow root systems around here - there simply isn’t much soil depth, will make it more likely this tree might fall. I raised this concern with the landowner, but they don’t think the tree is dangerous, although they acknowledge the catastrophic effect it would have if it fell on my house. I look at it with trepidation whenever I pass, until today that is…

I had a dream or vision or maybe an intuitive calling last night, where I decided that rather than being afraid of the tree a better way forward would be to bond with it and make it my friend. It is indeed a majestic tree, and I wouldn’t normally ill wish a perfectly healthy tree at all. I realised I’ve been led by fear, not unreasonably so, but not a healthy emotion to have hanging around on a regular basis and not something I want interfering with the happier frequencies I try to send out into the world.

I’ll not be led by fear.

Just after lockdown I went to a wellbeing retreat for women on the neighbouring island of Eigg. It was funded by a post covid regeneration and resilience fund focussing on mental health and it was just the slow breath out and shoulder relaxing weekend we all needed. There were two particular things we did that have stayed with me – one was a nature connection workshop, where we spent some time in a woodland with a tree we had chosen and forged a connection with it through meditation, physical touch and empathy. It was quite special for me; I felt moved and when I think back, I’m still moved. The second thing was learning a song together, but it was a special song, Heartwood by Karine Polwart. Have a listen to it…

Some of you might recognise that this is based on a Robert MacFarlane poem he wrote during a battle to try and save 17000 trees which were under threat of being cut down in Sheffield by the local authority.

Feeling overwhelmed by the song and the bond with my tree, I wanted to go back to the woodland and sing it there, but we didn’t in the end, but it has sat with me ever since.

The intuitive calling suggested I spend time with the beech tree, developing my connection with it - decreasing my fear and increasing my trust. This feels right to me and already today I went out in the rain and introduced myself, gave the tree a hug and spent a couple of minutes soaking in its patient steadfastness.

Sounds bonkers? But it’s not. It may not stop the wind from blowing it over, but it will change how I react to it.

Until recently, my livelihood depended on my house – it’s a guesthouse and without it, there is no business. The looming trees created anxiety during storms, and this made me feel vulnerable and, not trapped but contained. By widening my business portfolio (sounds grand) to swimming and breathwork coaching, a mobile sauna and writing and also realising my skillset was a lot bigger than I’d given it credit for –

I have reconciled that if anything were to happen to the house - not forgetting the big tides and rising sea levels coming from the other direction – I would be okay. I would lose my home, but I would be okay.

Every day from now I’ll go out and spend a few minutes with the beech tree, it will become less threatening by the day and perhaps we will be friends. When it gets warmer, I can sit and read beneath it and explore its bark and the lichens which cover it. Maybe I’ll learn a thing or two. I think I have already.